Sunday, December 15, 2013

darkness in replay

i imagine the blood that pumps through my veins; as i sit here, lay here, feeling time grace my cheek. it's like an old friend visiting after years of being away. you always knew they were around somewhere but didn't think enough of them to call them over. so here he is. unannounced, yet not entirely surprising. 

it happens slowly, happened... happening. 

there's a small chance that things could get ugly. those are the honest odds. 
however remaining honest in these times is not necessarily accurately gauged. you will find any way to compromise with the last inch of you that's sane. think of your batteries dying; all you have to do is get out of bed to recharge but getting out of bed is the most difficult thing that day. 

so you lay, i lay, i lie. 
i lie to myself and i've lied to others. 
i feel the warmth of my chest with my freezing hands. i notice the light on the ceiling and how it doesn't reach the darkness of my hallway. there is no light at the end of that hallway because i AM at the end. i am today. 

i check my pulse. 
there's a roaring voice. one that wants to fight and is cutting through my insides to come out. the voice has words to write and pages to read but my batteries are dead. i'm still in bed and despite having had the ability to get up this morning, the sun is quickly setting. the day is practically over and i can justify remaining here. 

i fight ever single day.
i will remain fighting but there are pockets that i slip into. there are timing errors miscalculated by my poor choices. choices i never regret, memories engraved by scents and sounds.


i have found that darkness follows you. 
i don't believe you can fully conquer your demons nor have i ever tried. i have befriended those creatures that have held me down so many times. not because i fear them but because the most beautiful verses have come from their company. i have different self destructive tendencies that have such beautiful timing. i am narcissistic enough to love myself in the darkest of times. i have never lost hope but there have been plenty of times where hope is all i had. 

my veins are dark. 
i can feel my heartbeat and i can see tomorrow.
i lay and will lay and wont rise. 
i will not call i will not answer. 
don't reach out and forgive the words.
don't forget however, because i come with them all. 
they are a part of me, and i believe i may have released them. 

i can feel my heartbeat.

Depression opens the door to beauty of some kind.
James Hillman 

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